


Why I Wasn't Allowed To Write Dragon Quest XI

by Daovihi



Category: Dragon Quest Series, Dragon Quest XI
Genre: Boat, But no, Crack, Destruction, Disco, M/M, Party, Screaming, Ship, Vandalism, blaming it on someone else, dramatic jasper, genderfluid!sylv, he just wants to make dramatic speeches in peace, hes just Like That, jasper foams at the mouth, jasper gets mad, someone correct me if the doges name is wrong, spoilers for act 1 gondolia, textspeech, too many variations on the word darkspawn, w the way im writing him youd think i was exaggerating his personality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 05:11:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17595221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daovihi/pseuds/Daovihi
Summary: Jasper has successfully cornered our heroes in Gondolia! Only... no one seems to be taking him seriously.





	Why I Wasn't Allowed To Write Dragon Quest XI

**Author's Note:**

> sooooo i wanted to make the concept behind this a shitpost, but it was too long to be the kind i wanted, so i wrote this in a few hours instead. plz dont judge me

Jasper groans and clutches his side as the Darkspawn and his spawnlings free the vermin from the Pillar of Damsels. The Darkspawn picks the Blue Darkspawnspawn up and holds him in such a way that the Darkspawn's protecting him from any and all attacks. Ugh. Humans caring for each other and helping each other out makes Jasper sick.

"Tell me," Jasper pants. "What makes you vermin look after your own? Why risk yourselves for someone else?"

The Darkspawn winks and sticks his tongue out. "boyfran"

Jasper stares at the Darkspawn for a full minute (literally, he counted the seconds), before chuckling, and then bursting into full-blown laughter. "Oh, how pathetic! Is that really what you build yourselves off of? Love? Friendship? Compassion? Don't make me laugh!"

"you already did :/" The Green Darkchild crosses her arms.

"True power-" Jasper continues as if no one said anything. "-Is achieved by casting off those weak, human qualities, and embracing the fact that power is the only thing that has ever mattered, and ever will matter!"

The Clown Spawnkid ignores Jasper's grand, moving speech in favor of looking out to the sea. He hums in thought as he ponders the waters.

"You pathetic cockroaches are nothing compared to me! You may scurry about, but you shall never escape me! For I, Jasper, will kill you, here and now!" A mad glint flashes in Jasper's eyes as he raises his sword straight at the Darkspawn. "I shall-"

"brb gotta make a swan dive" The Clown Spawndark pinches his nose and cannonballs into the freezing water and swims away from the port, leaving behind the Darkspawn, the Sparkdawns, Jasper, and a handful of soldiers that only then arrived on the scene.

"Sir Jasper, are you alright?!" One soldier, who Jasper identified as the medical assistant, is already examining Jasper's numerous wounds.

Jasper smirks, scoffing as he shoos him away. "Don't worry, I'm more than alright." He takes one, two, three steps forward, the soldiers staying where they are. They know better than to ruin Jasper's dramatic moments. "So, your little so-called friend has abandoned you. Smart of him, really. He will at least buy himself a little time. As for-"

A horn blares through the night.

Jasper scowls. "Who's blowing their horn in the middle of the night?!" He snaps at the poor soldiers.

"S-sir, we-"

The horn blares two more times, one after the other.

"Are you kidding me?!" Jasper's face contorts into something monstrous. "I am TRYING to have a big moment!!!"

"Sir?" One of the bolder soldiers risks tapping Jasper on the arm. "Maybe we should just… ignore it? Y-you don't have to, it's just a suggestion!"

Jasper takes a deep breath. "You're right, I shouldn't let it get to me."

"We like to party, we like- we like to party,"

"So, as I was saying," Jasper pushes his hair out of his face. "You all are weak, pathetic vermin, that cannot hope to best even-"

"we literally just kicked your but ://///" The Literal Toddler points out.

"Silence!"

For whatever reason, the Darkspawn suddenly decides that is the perfect time to introduce his friends to the songs of his people, and thus, he opens his mouth and lets out the sweetest yodel to have ever graced the town.

"DARKSPAWN!!!!" Jasper yanks off his boot and throws it with such force that it makes the Darkspawn stumble and falter. "SHUT UP AND LET ME SPEAK!"

"S-sir?"

"YOU TOO!!!" Jasper points to the soldier that was brave enough to try and keep Jasper from going out of control. Again. "EVERYONE, JUST SHUT UP!!!"

The town goes quiet.

"Thank you. Now, as I was saying…" Jasper folds his fingers into a pyramid shape.

"We like to party, we like- we like to party,"

"Where's that music coming from?" Jasper starts looking around, trying to find the band that's bizarre enough to play at this hour.

Everyone else looks around now. The music seems to be getting louder, but no one can tell where it's coming from. The popular, unspoken guess? Some person's making a beeline towards the crowd.

"Just my luck some bard's playing party music to spoil my fun." Jasper pouts and kicks a rock with his bare foot. That is the second mistake he makes this evening. "Aah!" Jasper clasps his foot, then hisses through his teeth. "Darkspawns! This is your doing!"

"dude its not our fault you did a stupid thing" The Blue Sarkpawn comments while picking at his nails with a dull knife from behind the Darkspawn's head.

"LISTEN HERE, YOU!!!!" Jasper rips off his other boot and throws it so hard it would immediately crush bone upon impact. Too bad he missed. "YOU ARE JUST COCKROACHES UNDERNEATH MY BOOT! INSECTS IN A FLY TRAP! YOU, YOU ARE JUST MERE HUMANS, BUT AS SOON AS I KILL YOU, I SHALL BECOME A GOD! I WILL CLEANSE THE WORLD OF SCUM LIKE YOU, AND USHER IN A NEW AGE OF-"

"SIIIIIIRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!" Jasper whips around, sword raised and posed to kill at any moment.

"LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!" The soldiers - all of them - point to the side of the dock.

Jasper looks.

Jasper should have paid attention to the horns.

"WE LIKE TO PARTY, WE LIKE- WE LIKE TO PARTY, WE LIKE TO PARTY!!!!!!!!"

The bass drops, and with it, the ship crashes straight into the dock, tearing through stone like butter and sending up a cloud of dust. Jasper coughs violently as the dust hits his lungs like a freight train. When the dust settles, Jasper looks up to the mast of the ship and finds a soaking-wet Clown Dspawnark singing and dancing atop it like the ship didn't just violently crash.

"Iiiiiii've got something to tell ya~!" The Clown Spdarkawn sings. "Iiiiii've got news for youuuuu~!"

"Hop on, guys!" A muscular man in a pink helmet waves to the Darkspawn's group.

The Darkspawn waves to Jasper with a smile on his face, then he tosses each and every single one of his so-called 'friends' onto the ship before being pulled on himself.

"DARKSPAAAAAAAWN!" Jasper reaches for his boot, but instead gropes at his bare foot. "DARKSPAWN YOU GET BACK HERE!!!!!!"

“nu"

"DARKSPAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNN!"

The ship backs out of the mess it made, then turns its sails towards the sea.

"WHAT'RE YOU STANDING THERE FOR?! GET AFTER THEM!" Jasper screams at his soldiers loud enough to wake all of Gondolia, because apparently a ship destroying part of the city wasn't enough to wake them.

"W-we can't! We don't know how to swim!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T SWIM?!"

"WE CAN'T SWIM!"

"DIDN'T THEY TEACH YOU TO SWIM IN BASIC TRAINING?!"

"NO! YOU TOOK THAT TRAINING OUT OF IT!"

Jasper freezes. "Oh. I did, didn't I?"

"YES!" The soldiers say in unison.

"…Well, now's your training! Go after them!" Jasper points to the boat so hard his arm almost dislocates, but he doesn't care.

"In full armor?!"

"YES!!!'

"SIR, WE'D SINK IF WE TRIED!"

"IT'S EASY! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WAVE YOUR ARMS ACROSS THE SURFACE AND KICK!"

"S-sir?"

"What?" Jasper barks at the soldier.

"Could you… demonstrate? I just want to know if it's possible."

Jasper freezes. Then, he growls and shoves the soldier into the water. "There! Now you'll learn how to swim!" Then, he lets out a deep breath. "Does anyone else want to question my authority?"

The soldiers grow silent.

"Good. Now, GET ME THE DARKSPAWN!!!!"

"No one's getting anyone!" A short, stout man declares as he walks towards Jasper with a retinue of guards behind him. "You're under arrest!"

"Doge, what is the meaning of this?" Jasper gasps as he takes in the situation. Even his own soldiers seem to be recoiling from the prescence of a few guards. So much for training soldiers himself.

"You stand near the wreckage of my beautiful port, red in the face and screaming at your own soldiers like a banshee, and you ask ME what the meaning of this is?!" The Doge crosses his arms. "You had better have a good explanation of all this!"

Jasper's eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. "I- that wasn't me! It was the Darkspawn!"

"Uh-huh, and I bet you're going to claim that HE was the one that cursed my son?"

Jasper's own soldiers begin whisperring to themselves. Traitors.

"Look, the Darkspawn's on that ship! Over there!" Jasper points to where he last saw the ship. "If you don't believe… me…" He falters as he realizes something.

The ship is nowhere to be found.

\-----

"The Sylvyboat is coming! And everybody's jumping! Hotto to Puerto Valor! An intercity disco!" Sylvia sings and dances as Dave plays his surprisingly versatile instrument, a black table with two discs atop it. Dave bops his head to the song and moves a few dials as he keeps one hand over his black headpiece, which completely covers his ears.

A million lights dance off the large disco ball and all over the ship as the crowded dancefloor shakes with the energy of a hundred people. Erik and Eleven are chatting by the snack table, while Serena, Veronica, and several sailors dance to the beat of Sylvia's song.

"Man, why didn't Jasper just kill us? If I was him, I wouldn't have bothered with all the theatrics." Erik takes a sip of his punch.

"Ah, you know us queer people. We HAVE to be dramatic." Eleven refills his cup. "Want me to pour you some?"

"Sure." Erik holds out his cup and lets Eleven fill it almost to the brim. "Y'know we're not ALL dramatic, right? I mean, I don't bother wasting my time or energy with being so dramatic. It's dangerous for me to be that way, in fact."

Eleven looks Erik in the eye. Well, his eyebrow. Eleven could never look people in the eye. "Our first meeting was literally the most dramatic day of my life."

Erik smirks. "Good point. It was also one of the most dramatic in mine."

"What was the most dramatic?" Eleven asks as he raises his cup to his lips.

Erik waits for Eleven to start drinking. "When I turned into a dragon and ate Derk."

Eleven turns his head and spits out his drink in a corner. "WHAT?!"

Erik doubles over laughing. "Oh man! You, ha ha ha! You should've seen the look on your face!"

"You made me waste some of my drink" Eleven pouts.

"Don't worry, I'll make it up to you." Erik kisses him om the cheek, and Eleven's pout instantly melts into something too adorable for words. "I'll tell you what the most dramatic day of my life was, but first, I have to explain some things…"

"I'm not going anywhere." Eleven grabs a mini cupcake and sets it on one of the provided plates.

"Good, cuz this is gonna take a while."


End file.
